consequence of neglect

My brother organized his affairs, made amends to those he had harmed and took his life at 45. His diagnosis of Bipolar disorder at 15 following his first attempted suicide, was cloaked in denial and secrecy. As children, his erratic behavior and emotional outbursts were a constant source of embarrassment and discomfort. I disconnected internally from the unacceptable aspects of his illness, disavowing part of self, and have paid the price for their amputation. As adults, we severed all communication, for my part I levied severe judgement in relation to his lifestyle and psychological state. All the while assuming he held me in contempt for my lack of compassion. For nearly thirty years neither of us attempted to break the silence. On the occasion of my wedding announcement, we shared a brief conversation during the course of which certain unexpected truths were revealed. Three weeks later he hung himself in his home. I still live in the shadow of someone who did not function.